My ex fiancé once told me he didn’t think I was capable of
following through with anything. Another ex told me I was the most difficult
person to read he’d ever met (and considering figuring out this guy was like
trying to put together a 500 piece puzzle that was in the wrong box, that was a
bit concerning…but also a little flattering. Is it concerning that I found that
flattering?). I overheard yet another man I’d dated describe me affectionately
as…capricious. I’d never thought of myself this way, but it got me thinking.
I recently saw the movie “Wanderlust” and as I watched
Jennifer Aniston’s character, Linda, I thought to myself “That’s me! That’s so
me.” Words like open minded, original, free-thinking, creative, brave and
adventurous always came to mind when I thought about myself. Not flakey, aimless,
irresponsible and vacillating. When I was younger I always used to say I wanted
to do it all before I died. I was a brave little thing. I still remember being
4 years old at an amusement park with my cousins and my older brother (all
boys). Even though my brother was 5 years older than me, he was terrified of
riding the zipper, all the boys were, but not me, not even a little bit. I was
excited. I took my aunts hand and walked right up to the line and onto the ride
without a second thought and I reveled in every thrilling minute of it. “My
motto has always been I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it.” I’ve been
called things like rebellious, stubborn, independent, feisty, straightforward,
the type of girl who doesn’t take any shit. To that I reply I’m not stubborn,
my way is just better. And I’m not rebellious, I just don’t like being told
what to do. I’m independent and feisty, because I’ve had to be and I’m
straightforward because I believe you do no one any favors by lying to them. Those
attributes aside, I’m not as tough as I’d have everyone think. I tend to have a
lack of boundaries with people and put my faith in all wrong ones. I’m
painfully insecure and question everything about myself most days. I’m so very
emotionally weak when it comes to men. My mind is generally thinking a dozen
different thoughts at once, jumping from one to the next and back again. I’m
easily bored with routines and day to day life. I need constant stimulation,
communication, activity, amusement or distraction to keep me interested and I
tire of things quickly once they become predictable. I’ve had at least 20 jobs
in my life and considering I’m still in my twenties, that’s a lot. I feel too
much, I think too much and I tend to say too much…or conversely, not enough. You
can see how this might cause me problems in the corperate, grin and bear it,
world we live in. Try as I might to mold myself to fit into some traditional
role, I fail miserably every time. Sooner or later I just start to feel like a
bird in a cage who desperately needs to fly free.
“I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away. I don’t know where my
home is. I don’t know where my soul is…”
Sorry, I do that. I’m a Gemini with ADD, what do you expect?
At any given time I have a soundtrack to
my life playing in my head. And, yes I do believe in astrology, not the lame,
magazine horoscope version, but legitimate astrology…moving on…
I’ve spent many years masquerading my non-committal, free spirit
as a strong, sensible, sure of herself kind, who knows exactly what she wants,
where she’s going and how she’ll get there. Pffft…not so much. I mean don’t get
me wrong, it’s not that I lack determination, it’s sticking with an aim that’s
the problem. I’m constantly discovering new distractions to be delighted by.
There’s so much to do and so little time. Who wants to waste any of it being bored
doing the same old, repetitive shit? Certainly not me. Extended periods of
boredom actually cause me physical discomfort and mass anxiety. It’s as if
every fiber of my being is squirming like an ant on the pavement, under a
magnifying glass, in the hot sun. I have two options, lay there and die or
crawl away as fast as my burning ant legs will take me. I crave new
experiences, adventures and places. And when I try to confine my life to the
basic 9-5 job and monogamous relationship, and trust me I do try…chaos
inevitably ensues. I have yet to figure out if this is due to some
subconscious, yet self-created upheaval to stave off an ordinary, peaceful, i.e
boring existence or it’s life not so gently pointing me in another direction.
I’m not sure if I’m simply meant to do something bigger and better or if I’m
simply a mess?
The only conclusion I’ve drawn so far is that I am in fact,
commonly capricious.
